Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
