And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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