You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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