Swine flu. Run for my life!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Randomize
