Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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