I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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