I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
