Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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