If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
