Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
