I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
