I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Watching her eat just hurts me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
