So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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