you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
