I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
