What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
