i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
