I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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