dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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