I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
