Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
