When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
