The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
