why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently the secret to your success is patron
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
