I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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