What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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