Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
