The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
