Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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