so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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