my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
