hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
