i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
