I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
