Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
