One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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