You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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