I want to stick my p in your. b.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
