I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you would pick up someone in the library
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
