You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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