So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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