He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
