I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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