I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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