Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
