the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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