Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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