What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
