My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
