Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
