He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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