I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
