i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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